Another birthday to grow as a person.

I'm going back home tomorrow, it will be a change again to go back to the barrio from the suburbs of San Antonio. But I'm ready to take care of myself again. I gotta see if I can check out some poetry books before I leave so I can help my brother read and I have to sell my used books. Thank God for the end of the semester. I am ready to get moving. So today we prepare everything for a new beginning. I don't know what's going to happen but I am praying and hoping that God will help me get somewhere in life, I'm trying and God knows I am. I don't know where I'm going But I keep walking forward.

EMPOWER THYSELF

1. Listen to bikini kill, riot grrrl, empowering hip-hop . Digable planets.
2. READ UP. 7-8:00pm books
3. wake up and read feminist blogs. 7:00 am
4. Study at the library.
5. Love thyself
6. Fight racism
7. Fight Sexism
8. Plan my revenge to get UTSA active. on Mexican issues.
9. Listen to Mexican Oldies and love my culture.

YES! I was brainwashed for a minute but am over it.

Okay so recently I've been going crazy because my comforter doesn't match my room. Last night I kept telling myself "an orange one would be nice." I've also been wanting to redecorate my perfectly plain bathroom and to buy fancier clothes.

Not until today, did i realize that all of this nonsense is doing nothing but wasting my time. I am not only embarrassed but I am ashamed at wasting time on thinking on how I would spend my next college funds. Shame on me. But lets dig deep on why I wanted to redecorate in the first place..and why I wanted to change my wardrobe when all the clothes I own are fine.

My brainwashed reasoning was:
1. more people would feel welcomed
2. It would make me happy to see a bright color
3. it's time to re-start a new life and change.
4. It would make it more fun.
5. I would clean it all the time.
6. I would be more peaceful and confident.

okay and now I know what I need to do instead of wasting a good 60 dollars (which i can use on books or some good art supplies)

1. people will feel welcomed if I welcome them nicely and have good conversation.
2. I can only make myself happy, and this does not mean i need a color! that's nonsense! in order to make myself happy I need to clean up and do my best in school and get that GPA up and get me a scholarship so i can keep on with my education.
3. It is time to re-start and that means living at the library and doing all of my work..not buying into fads.
4. Only good sense of humor makes things more fun.
5. I need to start cleaning period. and get organized.
6. I can be peaceful by meditating praying and by reading and maybe lighting up some incense.

What I do need is to get my lamps from home.

Anyways..yeah my sorta-rant. .

Now to focus on finals..this is my facebook alternative. atleast here I can write my thoughts out.

A young brown girl

3 months in College, and the world's getting colder. Losing myself never felt so confusing as I explore the different sides of me. Now I am out of the closet, now I've drank, I've smoked. I turn 19 next month and it's time for something new. I want the leave the world behind me. I need change. I can't keep putting myself down. Who taught me to hate myself, who taught me to stop caring? Who taught me to silence up, who taught me to close my eyes? Who taught me to close my heart? Who?

I have friends, now. You know the kind you party with. The Kind you talk to, but not the kind you cry with. Maybe that's cuz I show no pain, and we have too much fun. I just feel like I need to be a better me, and show more love. More love. More love. When you stop loving you stop living. When there's no hope for the future is when things are worth doing. Getting an education is worth dying for. It's worth fighting for. It's worth living for. So here is my mind. Once more, to grow and stand tall. Here is is, revolutionize my mind please. No. That is up to ME.

March

My eyes view girls in spring
they smile in every way
And I and my haunting sleep
was far too tired to stay.
The haunting crow within me,
grasps my eyes, shut closed.
I stood still and could not move
and my throat he choked.
When looking for a door
I could not see the way.
When darkness closes in
there is no room for day.
My mind cannot sustain
the burden set on me.
The heavy ballet dancers,
say i shall not live to see
what goods life has to offer,
the joys and it's delights.
For in my dark world
there is no room for light.
I can barely live for tomorrow
and yesterday wont drift
it brought me tears and sorrow
which my tired arms can't lift.

Out

I did not think them to be my kind
Thoughts would spill from my ears
and I blocked them from my mind
because maybe I could be something for once
you know what I'm sayin..
I'd spend days sitting under an oak
or in a room full of lights
shaking strangers' pale hands,
that was the bottom of the lake
complete suicide.

My own brain told me to look at the situation.
I decided to remain sitting
because normal life
is going to the mall, glaces, steps,
June,may, September 9am to 7
The way IT is.

I would be pulled through
to god knows where, actually
it was like sticking my hand under a lawn mower.
flash, thats how it should be.
I'm talking to you about that day when
I could barely get my feet on the ground.
I'm speaking of when I spoke to 3 week long friends
Like fire trapped in glass.

That, became the biggest weight
my mind's soul has carried.
A weight that has crushed and broken every bone
on my back.